Hi folks. I’m back again. Last time we covered “Top Five Characters That Did Nothing Wrong” which was a glowing success if I may say so myself. Now I know I promised further content the next day, but well, things got complicated and now a year has passed.
WELL WAIT NO LONGER.
All Hail Yuki presents…
Top Five Anime Characters You’d Regret Having Casual Sex With When You Wake Up The Next Morning
– Spoilers for; Kill la Kill, Scum’s Wish, Darling in the FranXX, Overlord and The Woman Called Fujiko Mine –
5. Ragyo Kiryuuin – Kill la Kill
Then: You had never met a woman who carried herself with such presence and style before. An individual who knows how to present themselves is checking all the right boxes in your book, and in a way, you felt humbled just to have the opportunity of staying the night.
Now: It turned out that the protection failed. Around nine months later and you’ve had your first child. It was scary at first, but you’ve since come to terms with it. Hell, the word ‘regret’ didn’t even fit in your vocabulary once you saw that precious little face for the first time.
But then she proposed you run a series of ‘experiments’. It sounded harmless enough at first, then before you even knew what was happening you’d sewn fibers into your kid’s heart and thrown it down the garbage chute.
Yeah, you are probably regretting that casual encounter around about now.
4. Akane Minagawa – Scum’s Wish
Then: She appeared out of nowhere and instantly grabbed your attention. There was something about the way she moved, the way she talked, it was so thoroughly enchanting. You’d spent most of your life expecting to settle for someone who wasn’t quite what you wanted, and then appearing right before you, the definition of ‘perfect’. You just had to talk to her…
Now: You’re an emotional wreck. Why did she leave? Why won’t she accept your love? What ever happened between you?
You had been dating a while and never got the impression that she was unhappy. It’s just unfathomable that this ended up happening. Now you’re scanning the archives of your memory earnestly trying to find answers you’ll never find.
If you could do it all again, how would you change things? How would you prevent this outcome? Were you too forward? Or was it that you didn’t show enough interest? Are you not enough? How can you become ‘more’? Who stole her heart from you? Was it ever yours? Did any of it ever have meaning? What happened to her innocent smiles? Why does she carry herself differently around them? Who even is she anymore? Do you regret this?
The box of tissues next to that picture album says “yes”.
3. Zero Two – Darling in the FranXX
Then: You’re a sucker for the aggressive types. There is an aura of mystery around her too. The fact that you were a co-pilot unlike any that had come before made you feel special, but the way she would say “Darling” was the final nail in the coffin.
You were special. This is simply what you had earned.
Now: You’ve got a odd looking infection spreading out from where your heart is. If anyone had bothered to give you sex ed you might have taken it for one of those “STD” things.
From experience you know that you can keep it in check through sheer force of will, but that’s probably not the recommend treatment pathway the doctor would follow. Isn’t there normally antibiotics for this sort of thing?
Furthermore, you’re starting to have problems with Zero Two. Emotionally stunted might be your gig, but she clearly has her own share of problems too. “Darling” has become less cute and more possessive. She talks about dying a lot and the worry now is that you’re more of a passenger than a co-pilot.
Yeah. This can’t have been worth it.
2. Momonga – Overlord
Then: Okay admit it. You were intrigued. They say that you’re more likely to find someone attractive if other people feel that way, and boy, did Lord Mononga have his admirers. All the most beautiful people on the planet were OBSESSED with him, so, when the opportunity arose…you decided to get a taste for yourself…
Now: OKAY. THAT WASN’T ALL IT WAS CRACKED UP TO BE.
When you stop and think about it, you realize how silly the whole affair was to begin with. He’s a skeleton remember? It’s not really an indicator of cleanliness. All the parts you normally make use of weren’t there, and sure, you can get creative, but a skeleton bod is a skeleton bod.
Worse still, you found out after the fact that the reason people were so enamored with him was because he programmed them that way. The only reason you don’t automatically assume the same for yourself is because no amount of computing can account for that look of disgust you’ve carried on your face ever since.
The good news is that you live in a world surrounded by magic. Surely there is some spell that lets you turn back time, right?
1. Fujiko Mine – The Woman Called Fujiko Mine
Then: You thought the stars had aligned when you met her. Granted her past was shrouded in mystery, but that only added to the appeal. Plus she showered you attention in a way that, lets face it, you never came close to getting from anyone else. So who could really blame you for having a moment of weakness?
Now: You were held at gunpoint. Your most prized possessions are gone. Probably humiliated at some point too. In truth it was all a blur, but the aftermath is clear for anyone to see.
You know what the worst part is? You don’t even remember what happened last night. Whether it was just the alcohol, some weird hypnosis trick or plain old-fashioned sleeping pills, you’ve even managed to forget what it felt like to be wanted.
Well, if anyone was going to take you for all that you have, at least it was her. Well that’s what you’ll tell yourself so you can still sleep at night. Curse that indomitable fox, Fujiko Mine!
There you have it. Please remember that this list is non-exhaustive, and that individual tastes will differ. So if a spider person is your kind of messy hook-up, so be it. Thanks for being a good sport regardless.
Oh and before the inevitable flood of comments come in, fine, we get it, you would totally bang all these people despite the consequences. Have a cookie.
And multiple STDs.
Be sure to look out for the follow up “Top Five characters you’d totally adopt because omigosh they are just too cute”, which should be out tomorrow.
April’s off to a great start.